Celebrity stink. 

Father Christmas, in his wisdom, decided to give my daughter perfume for Christmas. A celebrity endorsed pot of stink. Needless to say, she absolutely loves it and sprays it on with wild abandon. Now we can all enjoy living in Barbara Cartland’s liquorice bonbon boudoir. 

Someone find me an emergency wet Labrador and a bag of ferrets! 

Hey Hollywood, here’s an idea…

Hey Hollywood, here’s a film idea for you….

 It’s the school summer holidays and a giant play dough monster decides to have a fight with a bucket of jam in a carer’s home every day for six weeks. Just add Angelina Jolie in a onsie chiseling vomit off a bean bag at 11pm, then BOOM! Box office number one!

Super human 

Carers are highly accomplished you know, we actually defy human evolution. One pair of eyes on the kids, another pair of eyes on the dogs who are with the kids in the garden. The eyes in the back of our head watching the tea cooking and several pairs of arms doing washing, bum wiping, cleaning and medical/DWP paperwork. I’m surprised we don’t all look like a boss eyed Dr Who extras.

Voyeurism television. 

I’m imagining the pitch now…’this is a real groundbreaking show, picture this…. people watching people watching television’.

‘Gogglebox’. What seems like endless hours of watching strangers, who I have no interest in, comment on television programmes that I never watch.

 Let’s not forget those other televisual gems: ‘a day in a hospital’, ‘exciting car crashes, dead or just badly maimed?’ and of course ‘screaming women in labour’.

Then we have the staged versions such as ‘Creosoted toffs of Chelsea’ and ‘tangoed teens of Tyneside’ etc. (you get the idea!)

The news stands have also drip fed us bullshit for years so now its the norm. ‘womens magazines’ are merely catalogues of sensationalist hate, charging you money so you can read how you could be hotter and thinner and ‘omg look at the state of her!’

What do we gain from all this? There’s no stimulation of imagination or learning, no enhancement of wellbeing. 

Why are we being fed voyeurism television and trash reading?  

We’re consuming junk.

Junk food, drink, television and magazines. 

Junk makes you distracted, vegetative and compliant.
Now who benefits from that?

Perfume and shampoo. Do we need thousands of them?

So you’re in your local Super Market / soulless grocery leviathan…and you need shampoo. Then you are faced with an entire aisle of hair soap. All lined up like enticing plastic soldiers, luring you in with promises that might temporarily ease the deafening lead klaxon of self loathing. Because let’s face it, the media wants you to know you can do better, no matter what hair you have, you need it better! 

 We are humans, we just need to shampoo a small percentage of our body hair. I would have thought dogs would need more variety than us as they’re covered in hair, and what about horses, buffalo, lions?  I’ll wager your average orangutan needs fancier hair soap than you.

Purfumes are another weird one. It’s not Georgian times you know! We have passed to time of having to cover the smell of our rotten teeth and gangrenous gussets. 

Here’s an idea, just have a regular wash with some soap and save yourself a small fortune on perfume. Plus you won’t smell like a prostitute’s armpit in a candy cane factory. 

Oooo I’ve got an injury…let’s post it on Facebook! 

Why is it when anyone has an injury or operation they have to post a photo of it on social media?

Don’t get me wrong, I have the upmost sympathy for your situation. Who wouldn’t feel compelled to offer condolences on your imminent prolapse surgery….but do we really need a photo?

Let’s face it if you’re looking for a plethora of sad face emojis and ‘sending hugs hun’ comments all you need to post is a vague inspirational quote involving a sunset and a sentence claiming that all men are bastards.