Celebrity stink. 

Father Christmas, in his wisdom, decided to give my daughter perfume for Christmas. A celebrity endorsed pot of stink. Needless to say, she absolutely loves it and sprays it on with wild abandon. Now we can all enjoy living in Barbara Cartland’s liquorice bonbon boudoir. 

Someone find me an emergency wet Labrador and a bag of ferrets! 

Hey Hollywood, here’s an idea…

Hey Hollywood, here’s a film idea for you….

 It’s the school summer holidays and a giant play dough monster decides to have a fight with a bucket of jam in a carer’s home every day for six weeks. Just add Angelina Jolie in a onsie chiseling vomit off a bean bag at 11pm, then BOOM! Box office number one!

Super human 

Carers are highly accomplished you know, we actually defy human evolution. One pair of eyes on the kids, another pair of eyes on the dogs who are with the kids in the garden. The eyes in the back of our head watching the tea cooking and several pairs of arms doing washing, bum wiping, cleaning and medical/DWP paperwork. I’m surprised we don’t all look like a boss eyed Dr Who extras.

Perfume and shampoo. Do we need thousands of them?

So you’re in your local Super Market / soulless grocery leviathan…and you need shampoo. Then you are faced with an entire aisle of hair soap. All lined up like enticing plastic soldiers, luring you in with promises that might temporarily ease the deafening lead klaxon of self loathing. Because let’s face it, the media wants you to know you can do better, no matter what hair you have, you need it better! 

 We are humans, we just need to shampoo a small percentage of our body hair. I would have thought dogs would need more variety than us as they’re covered in hair, and what about horses, buffalo, lions?  I’ll wager your average orangutan needs fancier hair soap than you.

Purfumes are another weird one. It’s not Georgian times you know! We have passed to time of having to cover the smell of our rotten teeth and gangrenous gussets. 

Here’s an idea, just have a regular wash with some soap and save yourself a small fortune on perfume. Plus you won’t smell like a prostitute’s armpit in a candy cane factory. 

Oooo I’ve got an injury…let’s post it on Facebook! 

Why is it when anyone has an injury or operation they have to post a photo of it on social media?

Don’t get me wrong, I have the upmost sympathy for your situation. Who wouldn’t feel compelled to offer condolences on your imminent prolapse surgery….but do we really need a photo?

Let’s face it if you’re looking for a plethora of sad face emojis and ‘sending hugs hun’ comments all you need to post is a vague inspirational quote involving a sunset and a sentence claiming that all men are bastards.

And we’re back….

Greetings multiverse! Apologies for our absence. 

Long months of moving house have zapped all brain resources!

But we turned ourselves on and off again and we seem to be working once more! (Although the internet here is slower than a sloth race!)

We are now even deeper in the Shire, surrounded by oak trees and wild beasties! Muntjac deer, birds, squirrels, ethereal wisps and enchanted hideaways.

Much is to do. Our house needs tender loving cash to bring it to life! New kitchen and bathroom to plan not to mention the veggie patch. The long term plan is self sufficiency and with almost 2 acres we have the potential to produce a great deal. The other part of the plan is jobs for the kids so to speak. When school days draw to a close either through ill health, age or even just the holidays, Fergus and Gwen need something to focus on. Having animals and plants to look after and nurture will offer them great therapy and boost their mental wellbeing. 

So the plans have started! Notebooks and blackboards are filled with ideas. Spring beckons and there’s veggies to plant! 

Keep calm and put the kettle on…

160 mile round trip today to get the news that we knew was coming. There isn’t much more the medics can do for the kids feet. They have what look like pensioners feet: Covered in bunions, freezing cold and contorted from malformed bones. They work, the feet, they actually do what they are supposed to do but they are a bit ‘bargain basement’, you know…a bit rubbish with no longevity but nothing else is available (like shopping for munichies in some soulless grocery leviathan at 3am when you’re drunk), crap but you need them.

Shortly we’ll be moving to a bungalow and the tortured Hell that is a staircase shall be no more!  So it’s not all bad, lovely new home on the horizon (subject to contract!!), Yuletide festivities looming and tonight we have pudding! Now, I just have to make it to Christmas Day without throwing a brick at the John Lewis orgasmic consumerist pornography advert…then all will be well!

Don’t sweat the small stuff…focus your energy wisely.

It’s a useful life mantra. Yes the house is a mess, the kids have put jam in the toaster, there’s wasps humping every light bulb in the house and I haven’t brushed my hair in a week…but it’s ok. I have a roof over my head, I have the use of all of my limbs and there’s a tea caddy full of tea.

When the future looks bleak, grabbing any pleasure is paramount. Just to be able to say, hey I’m (surprisingly) still alive even though I’ve eaten enough butter in my life to kill a blue whale, is a good start! 

My son is going blind and deaf and my daughter won’t be far behind him. They are loosing their balance, stamina and general mobility 

So my focus is on them and making their life fabulous. Making every second count. 

Do I care that there’s six loads of washing to do? That there’s moth holes in all my clothes? That my dog has stolen my socks? No. In fact I can safely say I don’t care. The zombie apocalypse could be in full flow and I could be merrily swatting the undead with a well chosen golf iron as long as I had a hot water bottle and a bottle of Chateaux Lefite to look forward to before bedtime (alright just a bottle of Malbec then!)

I don’t sweat the small stuff, what ever I have left in energy I just want to use to make the kids happy. Yesterday we went to Hampton Court gardens near Leominster, they put on a beautiful firework display that the kids absolutely loved. The great thing is, because the fireworks are against a black night sky, Fergus can see them! He could even see the colours! The joy on his face was awesome.  Now that’s something to invest energy in!

Life after death? Yes, but not like that…

This isn’t a religious post, merely a lighthearted pondering on Life, The Universe and everything.!

Being a non believer must be very bleak mustn’t it? No posthumous celestial party to look forward to, no dancing the funky chicken at 3am with a cloud of twinkling sky fairies..

Isn’t that awfully sad? Well, not to me, no.

I consider myself a lapsed Atheist really.  I absolutely love religious architecture, stained glass windows, church yards, ancient religious art not to mention dragons, fairies, unicorns, pixies and of course Hobbits! Magic, wonder and myth swirl around many aspects of life and much of it is fascinating and often beautiful.

Some folk believe in a God and that’s cool, whatever helps you get through life being an infinitesimal spec on this tiny blue dot in the vastness of time and space…

Some people find hope and peace from having a Faith. For me it’s all about the here and now. No planning for the beyond, no living a certain way to ensure I get that ‘heavenly golden ticket’! I believe we have one life, you have to make the most of it. Basically, be happy, be kind and don’t be a dick! Don’t waste your life doing a job you hate, don’t put up with shitty people in your life, do make the most of everyday. Of course this is sometimes easier said than done but when your time being alive is limited and fragile, you have to grasp every moment! Savour it! 

Do it!…Eat the cake! Wear the sequins! Dye your hair purple! Love unconditionally, go gently when judging people & don’t read the Daily Mail! 

And at the end?

It’s not the end, just a transition.

We give our bodies back to the Earth and slowly return to stardust. 

You live on in those who you leave behind. In their memories, in their photos, videos & keepsakes. 

Body and consciousness recycled & remembered! 

You are immortal!